Alice in Wonderland
by Yukihiro Hanakawa
Summary: The room was spinning. That's all he could tell. He could hear nothing, his eyes were blurry, filled with blood and tears mixed together in an odd kind of ambrosial flow. ONESHOT. selfharm and implied character death. rating for blood.


**Hm... fist fanfic. Here goes nothing.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the game, the characters, or anything by square enix. I only own the morbidness and the song. please don't steal the song. if you want to use it, just ask.**

**Warning: It's rated for one simple reason, and that is blood, self harm, and the insinuation of character death. if you don't like that kind of thing, I'm sorry. flame all you want, I was in a weird mood.**

**ALICE IN WONDERLAND**

_**I'm off in la la land  
one braid in my hair  
smiling with tears on my face  
blood on my dress  
mud on my knees  
smiling with tears on my face**_

The room was spinning. That's all he could tell. He could hear nothing, his eyes were blurry, filled with blood and tears mixed together in an odd kind of ambrosial flow. There was an odd pounding in his ears, like all of the noises of the world had come together to make some odd kind of symphony. His thoughts were tangled, focused around the pain he felt, like electric shocks all through his weakened body. When he looked around him, the room spun, distorted and inanimate objects came to life. Like just now, the dresser was growing and the chair started to talk, and the clock in the corner was saying 'late' over and over again. Yes, late. It was too late. Too late to tell anyone what he was doing. To late for them to ask questions. Too late for them to plead with him to not do this. Too late to tell them about all the suffering. To tell them it was too much, he couldn't handle it anymore. Too late to think that maybe he could make it through if he just once asked for help. But they couldn't help him now anyway. Not when he was this close, not when he could feel his life slipping away, and see the blood making it's way in a small trail from his hands and neck. It was far too late, and he was too far gone now.

_**That man with the hat's got a cup of tea  
**__**For you and for me, it's so funny  
**__**I just drank it and I feel so sleepy,  
**__**please help me, please help me,  
**__**I feel that I'm falling I'm oh so small,  
**__**inside of this house, inside of me  
**__**now I'm growing, what have I done  
**__**Seems that I've broken this house that I'm in**_

Thinking on it, he couldn't really remember when things had gone so wrong. He remembered two years ago, locking himself behind that door. The darkness had eaten away at him. Little by little, he became corrupted, a perfect image of what he wanted so badly not to be. And all for what? To save the life of someone who didn't, couldn't possibly feel the way he felt. There were so many things that were never said. But he _had_ said it. It was just twisted, masked so it was unclear. So maybe this was his own fault after all. Maybe he brought this whole thing on himself. Maybe he was the reason he'd become so lost to everyone and everything around him. Maybe... maybe if he'd held on a bit longer, fought through it, he wouldn't have become so alone. Yes, this was all his own fault. The tears, the pain, the blood, the eventual eternal sleep he knew would be upon him in only a matter of minutes. It was his own doing, and for that he hated himself even more.

_**chesire cat grin to trick me again  
run from my fair lady  
queen of hearts and her loyal men  
out to cage me up again**_

That pounding in his ears was getting louder. The bed had come to life now and was mocking him. Telling him what a waste he was. He could hear _his_ voice in his head now. The one who had taken him over and forced him to fight his best friend. He could hear the witch, the one who had corrupted him, led him towards the path of betrayal. So many voices, so many faces. No matter how he tried, he could hear them still. And he could feel it all, the pain, the hurt, the sadness, the emptiness he'd felt those two years. It all came rushing back, bringing forth rivers of tears in torrents, mixing with the blood in his eyes and stinging them. Oh, how he just wanted it to end. He wanted to go home so badly...

_**That man with the hat's got a cup of tea  
**__**For you and for me, it's so funny  
**__**I just drank it and I feel so sleepy,  
**__**please help me, please help me,  
**__**I feel that I'm falling I'm oh so small,  
**__**inside of this house, inside of me  
**__**now I'm growing, what have I done  
**__**Seems that I've broken this house that I'm in**_

He was cold now. So, so cold. He could feel his body shivering, the chills ran through him like ice running through his veins. Funny, he could hear them laughing now. The man, the witch, all of them just laughing, almost in slow motion. He could feel the soft, faint beat of his heart growing weaker in his chest. The pain was turning to numbness, and he felt heavy, but his head was light. Everything was disoriented and distorted now. But his thoughts were so clear. He thought of what they would think when they found him here. He would be shocked, and his blue eyes would fill with tears. She would scream, cry, hold onto him and they would sob in disbelief together. He felt guilty for leaving them without so much as a goodbye, but the pain was just too much. The pain of knowing what he'd done. They may have said it was forgiven, but living with it every day, it was too great a burden to bear any longer. He couldn't, he wasn't strong enough. Though... he never was the strong one in the first place. Sure, he'd won the spars, he'd been the popular one, the smart one, all in all everyone thought he was some kind of idol. If only they could see him now. Bleeding out on his bedroom floor, seconds away from a sleep he would never wake from. He felt that last wave of pain and then... darkness.

_**That man with the hat's got a cup of tea  
**__**For you and for me, it's so funny  
**__**I just drank it and I feel so sleepy,  
**__**please help me, please help me,  
**__**I feel that I'm falling I'm oh so small,  
**__**inside of this house, inside of me  
**__**now I'm growing, what have I done  
**__**Seems that I've broken this house that I'm in**_

**Hm... so sad, yes? I don't know what brought this out of me, but oddly enough I'm glad I wrote it. Review, flame, let me know of your opinions. **

**taku no ai to,  
****Yukihiro Hanakawa**


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